Bilbos Misadventures: Bedridden Dwarf
by VashandNaomiForever
Summary: Thorin is stuck in bed recovering from a nasty flu. Bilbo is at his side, trying to keep Thorin company when all the dwarf wants is some quiet rest! It gets worse when Bilbo decides Thorin reeks and needs a sponge bath, with Fili and Kili's help they haul Thorin in the wash tub.


Thorin was bedridden, he had just gotten over a nasty flu and was on bed rest. The king, though normally one to argue over sitting still, did not mind resting. His energy was spent and his bed was warm and cozy. What wasn't pleasant was the constant visits from Bilbo! He would start out quiet, sitting in a chair as he watched Thorin rest. Then he'd start fiddling, moving his chair around, scraping it against the stone floor. His mouth would begin a hum, then it'd change into a whistle, until finally he was singing some sort of hobbit song! How Thorins eyes would pop open in annoyance! His scowl plastered on his face.

"Bilbo, I'm trying to rest!" He would growl.

"I'm just trying to keep you company while you're stuck in bed!" Bilbo defended himself.

What was really irritating was when Bilbo would get out cloth puppets who looked mysteriously a lot like Thorin and Bilbos own self. He'd sit behind the end of Thorins bed and pop up the puppets, making them talk and do all sorts of loud and obnoxious activities. All Thorin could do was sit and take in the puppet performance.

It was most annoying when Bilbo would make a puppet talk to him, expecting Thorin to answer.

"I do not speak with puppets." The dwarf king grumbled. Getting a high pitched puppet reply of "You just did!"

"Bilbo, just leave." Thorin sighed, wishing he was up to the task of shoving those damn puppets up Bilbos ass. That would certainly teach him!

"Here, let me feel your forehead." Bilbo set down the puppets and moved over to the grumpy king. His small hobbit hand touching the dwarfs forehead. Bilbos nose sniffed and took in an unpleasant odor.

"What a mighty stench you have! I know somebody who's getting a sponge bath."

"I beg your pardon?" The dwarf huffed, offended by the words, even if they were truthful.

"I'll have Fili and Kili bring in a wash tub and some hot water, I'll be right back Thorin!" Bilbo hurried his way towards the exit.

"Bilbo wait! I don't want a sponge bath!" Thorin howled after the fleeing hobbit, his words not sinking in.

"Damn it! I refuse to be bathed by that troublesome fool!" He cursed to himself, crossing his arms in annoyance.

"It's alright, not like Bilbo can lift me into the wash tub." He spoke out loud. Trying to feel better about the situation.

Soon his nephews were carrying in a large wash tub, careful not to spill the soapy water within it. They gently set down the tub, turning to look at their uncle.

Bilbo walked in, sponge in hand, and gave a mischievous smirk towards the king.

"Fili, Kili, could you help me with your uncle?" Bilbo asked, making Thorin twitch nervously under his covers.

"Come here uncle, let us help you!" Kili smiled friendly as his brother and himself moved towards the bed.

"Don't even think about it! I command you to stop!" He barked orders at the still getting closer nephews.

"It's alright Thorin, you'll feel much better once you're nice and clean." Bilbo chuckled towards the dwarf, watching him slap at his nephews hands.

"Mutiny!" Thorin howled as Kili and Fili grabbed him up and began hauling his thrashing body towards the tub.

"Wait, his clothes." Bilbo stopped the brothers, making them set down Thorin and hold him still while Bilbo began to take off the angry dwarfs attire.

"Take your hobbit hands off me!" Thorin yelled, wiggling and moving around as the quick hands of Bilbo tried pulling down the dwarfs trousers. The pants were pulled half way down when Thorin broke free from his nephews grasp, his body fell to the floor. The king started to crawl like a worm along the floor, heading towards the door, only to be pulled by his ankles and dragged back.

"Hold still uncle!" Kili pleaded, helping Bilbo with pulling down the rest of Thorins trousers, leaving the king clad only in a loincloth.

"Alright, lift him into the water!" Bilbo ordered the nephews, watching as they each took an end of Thorin and tossed him into the tub, making some water splash out.

"Perfect!" Bilbo cheered at their success. "Now if you wouldn't mind holding him down, I'll start sponging." The hobbit requested the nephews.

"Okay uncle, time to get clean!" Fili grinned down at his red faced kin.

"Bilbo, touch me with that sponge and so help me!" He warned, still wriggling against his nephews strong hold.

Bilbo smirked, knowing Thorin couldn't possibly stop him, and began to tap the dwarf kings face with the wet sponge.

Getting tapped in the face by a hobbit holding a sponge was not Thorins idea of a good time. Bilbos hand neared Thorins mouth and the king bit for his hand, only to sink his teeth into the soapy sponge.

"Let go, Thorin." Bilbo calmly asked, the dwarf shook his head side to side and began tugging the sponge out of Bilbos hand.

"Stop it Thorin!" Bilbo took his free hand and smacked the top of Thorins head, like a puppy getting punished. Thorin opened his mouth in outrage as the hobbit swiped the sponge away from the dwarf.

"Aha! That will teach you!" Bilbo chuckled, beginning to sponge down the irate kings hairy chest. His hands working their way towards Thorins arm pits. The dwarfs face twitched, his mouth making a strange shape.

"Hobbit, not there, your hands they're too gentle I..." Thorin stopped his sentence, seeming to hold back a laugh.

"What? Ticklish here are we?" Bilbo winked, taking the tips of his fingers and wiggling around the dwarfs pits.

Thorin burst out a laugh, trying to move out of the hobbits reach, finding that he was unable to with his nephews holding him down.

"Wow Bilbo, I've never known uncle to be ticklish! You must have the magic touch." Kili and Fili began to chuckle at their uncles unusual behavior.

Bilbo stopped his tickling, continuing his scrubbing downward. His sponge dipping into the water and going below the dwarfs belly button.

"Bilbo, that's not necessary!" Thorin urged, squirming as the hobbit began scrubbing very near his loincloth.

"Oh...oh my!" Bilbo blushed, having accidentally felt something private. Thorins eyes bugged out at the pink faced hobbit.

"I warned you, hobbit!" Thorin spat, feeling very vulnerable at the moment.

"I'm almost done, so calm down Thorin!" Bilbo urged the pouting king. His sponge worked it way along the hairy dwarfs legs, finishing down to Thorins rough feeling feet. "My feet may be hairy but at least their soft." Bilbo commented, getting a heated glare from Thorin.

"Alright, lets get him up and dried off." Bilbo motioned for the nephews to life up the growling dwarf king. Fili and Kili lifted Thorin, setting him on his feet outside of the tub. Bilbo took a towel and started to pat down and dry the wet dwarfs body.

"Squeaky clean!" Bilbo pronounced, finished toweling off the king.

Fili and Kili lifted Thorin onto his bed, covering his scantly clad body with blankets.

"What of my clothes?!" Thorin demanded, watching Bilbo gather them.

"Oh, you can't wear these stinky things! I'm going to wash them up for you." Bilbo smiled, feeling like he was being a good friend for doing so.

"Fili and Kili will keep you company while I'm away." The hobbit assured Thorin before heading out the door, leaving the uncle and nephews alone together.

"I hate both of you right now." Thorin glared at the cheekily smiling nephews.

"Oh don't say that, uncle! Hey look, Bilbos puppets! Fili, lets put on a show for uncle!" Kili said excitedly, picking up the Thorin looking puppet and handing Fili the Bilbo one.

"I know! Lets reenact uncle and Bilbo at the marketplace!" Fili suggested, Kili grinned and nodded in agreement.

Thorin watched the little Bilbo puppet shake its bum, the Thorin puppets arm smacking the hobbits arse. Then Kili made the Thorin puppet excitedly hump the bent over Bilbo puppet.

'A dwarf never forgets, Bilbo, I will have my revenge!' Thorin promised himself that he would pay back the hobbit for all his treachery!

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien.


End file.
